℞ R&D DIVISION · DISPENSARY

Official
Equipment.

The lab is currently operational. Our team of highly unqualified artisans is sourcing, stitching, fermenting, and occasionally arguing about thread count. Inventory is expected when morale improves.

The Wine & Cheese Diet official merchandise — branded aprons, cheese boards, wine glasses, and prescription pads laid out on a rustic workshop table

Product Development Status

All timelines are aspirational. Some are fictional. None have been reviewed by supply chain professionals.

The Official Wine Glass

Phase III Clinical Trials

Hand-blown Burgundy stems with a subtle etched ℞ on the base. We have tested 47 prototypes. Not because we needed to. Because we wanted to be thorough.

Est. Availability: When the glassblower returns our calls

The Protocol Apron

Fabric Sourcing

100% linen. Burgundy with cream stitching. Features a pocket specifically sized for a corkscrew and a second pocket for a wedge of something aged. Currently being hand-sewn by someone's aunt in Lyon who does not know she has been volunteered.

Est. Availability: After the aunt agrees to the terms

The Cheese Knife Collection

Prototype Testing (Extensive)

A curated set of four knives — one for soft, one for semi-firm, one for hard, and one for whatever Brie de Meaux is doing. The testing phase has been prolonged due to the amount of cheese required for quality assurance.

Est. Availability: Q3 (of some year)

The Prescription Pad

Legal Review

A 50-sheet tear-off notepad formatted exactly like a medical prescription. Pre-printed with "Take with food. Preferably aged." We are told this is fine. Our legal department has not weighed in, primarily because it does not exist.

Est. Availability: Pending regulatory clarity we will never seek

The Lab Coat

Pattern Development

It is, functionally, a bathrobe. But with breast pocket embroidery reading "Clinical Staff — The Wine & Cheese Diet" and a loop for hanging a corkscrew where a stethoscope would normally go. We are knitting the first sample. Slowly. Very slowly.

Est. Availability: When we learn to knit

The Cheese Board (Branded)

Material Gathering

Sustainably sourced walnut, laser-engraved with the ℞ mark and a faint topographic map of Burgundy. Our woodworker says it will be ready "when the wood tells him it's ready." We have stopped asking for updates.

Est. Availability: The wood has not yet spoken

Get Notified When the Dispensary Opens

Sign up for the newsletter and we will let you know the moment any of these items graduate from R&D to actual existence. We will also send you wine and cheese content in the meantime, which is arguably better than merchandise.

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